I do.
There are few rules for writing on the Internet. In my understanding, these include:
1) Write far more than you have to say.
2) Make lists of whatever, the more nonsensical the category the better.
2a) Lists should include attractive women in scarce clothing.
3) Make everything a joke, even if you’re serious about it and lack any sort of comedic talent.
At calendar-flipping time, it’s best to stick with the rules to get on the year-end lists of lists. So here we go, with The Promoter’s first and last Summing-Up of Boxing Significance & Happenings in Our Last & Final Roundabout of the Sun.
Contests Of Mostest Violence
The fun thing about following boxing in these Internetting times is those blessed hardcore fans who dredge up obscure bouts held across stormy seas, which are often bloodier and more drama-filled than the slickly produced big-name fights on our declining American shores. Really, the Internet is one big VHS highlight tape, except you don’t have to subscribe to Sports Illustrated anymore and wait on your mailperson’s late afternoon arrival.
For all the fights available in the States, on HBO and Showtime and ESPN and the Mexican and British networks, since YouTube became an Institution there always seems to be a Little Man fight somewhere in Asia or France that produces more gore than anything we see over here. The names are unpronounceable, but the action is real. In 2006, Mahyar Monshipour and Somsak Sithsatchawal to win The Ring’s Fight of the Year.
This year’s contenders include Akira Yaegashi and PORNsawan PORPramook, from Tokyo. Watching this fight tired me out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uv6PgYTM_I
Throw 60 uppercuts into the air in 3 minutes, repeat 10 times, and see how you’re feeling in the morning. I guarantee it wouldn’t feel better if someone was hitting you, even a guy who weighs the same as your eighth-grade girlfriend.
Porpramook must be a common Thai surname, because Kompayak also put on a Tiny Man barnburner with Adrian Hernandez. I start watching this fight, but then the Geocities-quality flames burn my eyeballs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhvYdiGHnw0
2011’s Great White Hope
Sorry. There’s a few, maybe, but they’re all from Soviet nations. They abhor capitalism, and thus do not count.
Best Terminator Impression
Brandon Rios walks men down:
Marcos Maidana is a close second, but he only had one fight of note in 2011:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am3o0uxIH3E
The Crazy In Love Award, for In-Ring Romantic Turmoil
Victor Ortiz is a crazy sumuvasomething:
You want to get dirty, I got dirty…I let the best of me get away. For that, I started feeling bad. That’s why I was like, ‘Floyd, man, my bad, yo. I apologize, man.’ So I gave him a hug. That got me to feel human once again in the ring,..”And when I felt human, I paid for it.
Although, you know what? I take it as a learning lesson and a learning experience. And the next time, it ain’t going to be that. If I’m going to head butt you I’m going to break your nose the next head butt.
This is what happens when you headbutt and then kiss Floyd Mayweather:
Old Guys Getting Feisty
Crotchety old HBO commentator Larry Merchant getting nasty with Mayweather in the aftermath of the above shitshow only added to the hilarity:
Breakout Girlfriend of the Year
Carl Froch lost a wide decision to Andre Ward in the finals of Showtime’s Super Six super middleweight tournament on December 17, but his girlfriend Rachel Cordingley was the promotion’s breakout star:
She’s a real working-class charmer, too; a chav in the truest Burberry and Stella sense-check the lungs on this one:
And ladies, I don’t want to hear anything about sexism; there are shirtless men everywhere in this column.
Moving on…
Most Boring Backstory
We haven’t talked since Lamont Peterson beat Amir Khan in a close, action-packed fight on December 10th, but it was boxing’s upset of the year. Peterson grew up on the DC streets (and we’re not talking Dupont Circle) with his brother Anthony, a fine fighter in his own right, and now is in the mix to face Manny Pacquiao. You will never hear anything about this storyline ever again.
Hey, Some Knockouts!
Nonito Donaire is a Filipino DYNAMO in SLO-MO. Ever hear of anyone like that? Didn’t think so:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBYD_q2g9C0
A worthy minute of distilled welterweight action from a damn good fight on the Marquez-Pacquiao III undercard; Mike Alvarado comes back to beat former Amir Khan knocker-outer Breidis Prescott:
Proof that even Soviets can knock guys out, albeit in empty German ballrooms (the End comes around 4 minutes in):
And 23 minutes of Finality from this year’s Friday Night Fights; there were a bunch of good ones on the WorldWideLeader this year:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJzQaKEEY-0&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PLD4F7211AF6151071
Next week we’ll do some highly irresponsible prognostication for the Year in Which the World Will Be Knocked Out. Until then, keep your coupon clippings, folks.